sunset
Sunset – Wester Ross from Skye

For an explanation of the title and why we are publishing this diary, please see the first entry (27/3/13).
Summary of today’s entry: para’s 1-2: Margaret attends the hospital for a scan – para’s 3-4: the “Why me?” question – making choices – knowing what is happening to the soul.

Servant of Jesus(6)


Wednesday 4th July 2012

A visit to the hospital

Margaret was in Fort William today for her scan. It was and is a scary experience. We left Staffin at 8.15 in the morning, which was a mistake because we were down there at about 11am and had to wait two and a half hours for the appointment at 1.30pm. In situations like this, there is nothing worse than waiting. Christians are human and even when you have faith it is difficult not to worry about what the scan could reveal. It is impossible not to worry. I remember in the old days, before we had washing machines, my mother used to hand-wring sheets or blankets to get surplus water out of them. They had to be wrung really hard with one person at each end. That is what an experience like this is like. You are like a blanket being wrung. You know you have been diagnosed with cancer of the stomach, but you don’t know if it has spread anywhere else. The waiting, not knowing what you will be told, is agony. It is agony for me but even more so for Margaret.

We arrived at the hospital at 1.30pm. The scan would be at 2.30. Meantime she had to drink a pint or so of liquid which would show the liver and other organs in detail. The scan took about 25 minutes and we waited afterwards to speak to the surgeon who would tell us the results, as far as he could. A radiographer would study the scan later in more detail. We were sitting with the surgeon in front of a computer and pictures came up on the screen of Margaret’s internal organs. As far as he could see there was no spread to other organs. This was a huge relief for us. It might be possible to begin treatment within 2 or 3 weeks. He promised to telephone us the following week and let us know what was what. He was part of a surgical team for the whole Highland Health Board. The team would decide the course of action for each patient. He said it was likely an operation would be in Raigmore Hospital, Inverness.

The ‘Why me?’ question

Why me? Inevitably the question arises. But equally the question could be asked: Why not me? These questions take us into deep water. Before I met Margaret and became a Christian, I was confronting issues like this. If God heals one person and not another, where is the justice of God? And I argued like this: there is a consistency in nature. If there was no consistency, we could not keep promises. For example, if I promised to send a letter but the letter-box disappeared supernaturally through the night. No-body was near it, it just disappeared. It would be impossible to live in such a world. If there wasn’t the guaranteed regularity in nature, life would be impossible. And yet we know that miracles sometimes happen. I know because, as I have told, they happened to us. Why they happen to some people and not to others, I don’t know.

Are we imagining the Love of God?

The fact, that such amazing things happened to us, and now this awful event in our lives makes it doubly hard. Are we imagining the Love of God? God forbid. I’m convinced that we have to see what is happening in the light of eternity. This life is an episode in a grander scheme. We know this intuitively if we look within. We know that our soul is developing as we go through life. We know the choices we have made and how these choices have helped to shape who we are and the condition of our soul. The condition of our souls at death will determine what will happen to us in the next life. After the experiences I have had in life, I am convinced that death is not the end. Hell and heaven are states, not places.

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